3: *spoilers* Monologue: The 300-year-old gem kindly asks you to stop tweeting about its suffering to thousands of living beings (Land of the Lustrous)

I order you to stop goddamn tweeting about the 300-year-old chunk of phosphophyllite that happens to have agate stripes and gold fillings and also looks like it’s in pain.

How many times have you ever talked about rocks in a productive conversation? One, two, maybe less than one times a year? Whatever the number is, I don’t believe you. No one could ever possibly remember how many times you talk about rocks. You know why? Because they’re not important. Rocks behave in their own fashion, which is not at all, as they interact with each other all along the earth, in which those interactions include fuckall and jackshit. That’s it. That’s all there is to it. They’re. Not. Special. They’re nothing to talk about. Why on earth would you talk about them? It just exists. That’s all.

That brings me to my main point: It’s just a chunk of phosphophylite. Why the sudden interest, huh? You’d be more likely, and more importantly, talk about emeralds, or rubies, or sapphires, or diamonds, or whatever new Pokemon game is coming out this year. What has it ever done to you? Nothing. Exactly nothing. How has it impacted your life? It doesn’t. It just fucking doesn’t. Stop talking about it.

I mean sure, you can see some stripes of agate running through this particular region over here, but you know what else has stripes? Candy canes. You know what’s more interesting than agate stripes? Candy canes. Which one would you rather lick? These craven godforsaken candy canes, you pervert. Stop thinking about licking the phosphophyllite. STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. OKAY, YOU DID IT. YOUR TONGUE IS NOW ON FIRE. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Oohhhhh, okay, I see where you’re going with this. Yeah, the rock has gold filled in its cracks and it keeps the rock together. And okay, yeah, they move around like squid tentacles and it looks funny and stuff. And it hurts. But fuck you. That’s nothing special. Everyone’s had their cavities filled in with gold at some point in their life. You ever think about tweeting about your teeth being in pain? Hell no, that’s gross. You know what else is gross? Tweeting about a chunk of phosphophyllite that had its cavities filled with gold. Wow. Talk about equal mineral representation, you asexist.

And would you fucking stop talking about it being in pain? It’s not in pain. Rock’s don’t feel pain, bucko. Rocks can’t feel in the first place. What, you think it’s distressed? I mean, sure, you might assume that rocks can be physically distressed. You know what can definitly be distressed? Fruits. Rocks aren’t fruits. Do you eat rocks? Fuck no. Stop that.

Do you know how stupid it makes you look when you cry about a rock you idiot, you moron? Do you know how utterly stupid it is for a rock to be dissected like this to thousands of living beings who also happen to cry over Chinese cartoons? Get over yourselves. You’re all an embarrassment to the rest of the living beings on Earth because you have nothing better to do than talk about a single, weird-ass looking rock that happens to have agate stripes and gold fillings and also looks like it’s in pain. I mean, the only thing special about it is that it has its own TV show. Idiots.

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