In terms of personal goals, the most important thing to me right now is to have a consistent schedule. Otherwise, I turn up a complete mess of to-dos and unfinished work. Take my laundry, for example. Sometimes I’m right on top of things: put them in the washer, put them in the dryer, fold them, and store them. I get peace of mind and my room is no longer cluttered with knit boxers and sweaters that were more appropriate to wear during the winter time. Presently, I’ve been sleeping on a bed littered with wrinkled clothes, apparently too imposing for me to attempt folding.
This has been going on for about a week so far.
Is it procrastination? That’s certainly how I believe it. It’s how I’ve convinced myself. Procrastination is the reason that, despite my supposed intellect in school (corroborated by friends dumber than I am), I fail to actually do homework. Sure I tend to do well on tests regardless, but there’s only so much you can do before you have to learn things by actually doing and studying them. Well, that’s nothing to do with what I’m talking about right now. The point is, procrastination offered an easy way to justify how I behaved in relation to my studies: I was doing this to myself. On purpose. It’s my fault I’m here.
I know now it’s because I have depression, but the issue is that this doesn’t stop me from feeling sorry about myself. Essentially, knowing that there’s an explanation that doesn’t completely place the blame on myself gives some solace, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still blame myself for a lot of the bad things in my life that I most likely couldn’t control, thinking back on it.
But it doesn’t explain why the vacuum cleaner sat outside my room for the entire day without being used.
I live with my parents and older brother. Recently, we’ve been experimenting with methods to organize how we do chores, which is a topic I would love to go into more detail in the future. But for now, let’s focus on this vacuum cleaner and how much it was not used today. I wanted to think about, today, why I didn’t use the vacuum cleaner.
Okay, suppose I were to use it. Fine. But my room is a mess. First I need to get all the miscellaneous trash into the proper wastebasket. Then I fold all the clothes piled up on top of the bed, combine that with the folded clothes from a previous laundry run that are laying right next to my dresser, and store all that away in neat little rolls. And then all the bags laying on the floor go onto the bed. And then the doorstop needs to be moved. Then I have to go outside my room, plug in the vacuum cleaner, and start vacuuming the house.
Or, I could look at Twitter all day.
One of these options was far easier to access. I don’t have to tell you which one I ended up doing. “I’ll do it tomorrow”, I say, as I remember there were other things that I promised I would do tomorrow so I put off that until I get this new stuff done but I don’t get the new stuff done and now there’s more stuff to do tomorrow but then you remember that the stuff you needed to do before the stuff you needed to do needed to get done before the new stuff gets done and oh no.
I am cry.
- The SAO: Ordinal Scale post is “Under Construction”. There’s an actual draft on my dashboard and I certainly have a structure in mind as to what I want to talk about. I just haven’t thought about it enough to, well, actually continue writing. I went through the trouble to write notes during the movie and everything. I even had to suffer the obnoxious behavior of the SAO fans that flanked each point of escape, laughing about boobs and cheering when Kirito does Kirito things. All I’m saying is, it’ll get done. I can’t say when for sure. You should honestly expect this by now.
- I may put all the details of my next cosplay onto the blog as a sort of log to keep track of my progress. But that’s only going to happen once I’m finished experimenting with a few things. Well, that in itself is worth a post, isn’t it. Fuck, now I have to write about t h a t.