I take 8 pills a day. Tomorrow that will to go up to 9, then a few weeks later that will increase to10, then 11, then possibly more, then possibly fewer. I have two separate pill dispensers for the ones I take in the morning and the ones I take before bed. I refill them every Saturday. That’s today.
Perhaps I would feel a lot better about the sudden amount of daily medication I have to take if I could remember what exactly caused it. Yes, I’m fully aware that it’s because of a seizure I experienced maybe three months ago by now, but that’s a gap in my memory that I’m never getting back. From my point of view, I didn’t even get to experience the cause by which I am taking these pills for.
As for their intended effect, I’m not quite sure how to put it. If my neurologist is accurate with his diagnosis, then I should be experiencing fewer episodes where I involuntarily space out. I’ve always been told that I space out, and I like to think that I’m aware of the times that I space out.
However, I’m not so sure that I’m aware of it happening anymore. Sometimes my employers would have to call out to me to get my attention even though I was right next to them. I was taken aside once and was specifically told that I would be a good worker if I didn’t space out so much.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I actually don’t know what happens during an episode, much like the big seizure I had 3 months ago, and it’s apparent that I’m not aware of it happening until after my attention is restored by outside stimulation. That kind of worries me, if I have to be dramatic about it. It has never impacted me whenever I have to be completely and consistently focused on one task, such as driving or performing, but I’ve sat through entire lectures only to retain absolutely nothing. I’ve also apparently been absentminded enough to stand in the middle of foot traffic, like in malls and markets, without realizing it until I’m told to move aside.
Really, now that I think about it, the only way to test whether the medication works is to put myself in those situations again and see what happens. School is coming back in a few days, so maybe I can get some results then. I wouldn’t know right now, despite being a month into the medication by now, because I’ve been staying at home all day for the holiday season. For safety reasons, as my family puts it. And also because I can’t drive. That kind of puts a damper on things too.
So as the school year starts, I’ll have a much better idea of what this medication is supposed to be doing to my brain, and that’s what legitimately worries me. There a good chance that I’ve lived with this condition my entire academic life without ever knowing about it until now. So, everything I have considered to be normal behavior in how I study, how I focus on work, how I generally behave around people, well, I can’t consider that to be normal anymore. I’m going to change, but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know what it means to be normal anymore.
And it doesn’t help that I’m trying to get my life back on track at the same time. This could also easily be explained as a newfound sense of motivation that changes how I behave in school, now that I’ve truly hit rock bottom and could not possibly get any lower than I am now. Having those two things going on at the same time muddles how I’m supposed to be allocating responsibility. Do I thank my medication for improving my behavior? Or was it all a ruse and I was just in need of a proper push to get to where I am? I want to say that it’s the medication. That would be the most forgiving explanation.
Now I just have to not feel guilty about it.