Monologue: I’m sorry to inform you that your taste in anime is not gay enough.

Good evening, sir. How are you doing? Me? Oh, I’m pretty gay. Gay as in “happy” of course. I’m not gay. That’s not a problem I naked wrestle with. But you. Oh, boy, are you in for a rude awakening. And speaking of boys and rude awakenings, I’m sure these next few announcements are going to be a real pain in the ass.

See, it’s come to our attention, “our” being the Fandom of Anime’s Progressive Shows, FAPS for short, that you have not been watching a lot of anime that we have collectively agreed upon to be at least “pretty gay”. Oh, whoops, I really shouldn’t assume that everyone knows this. I’ll start from the top and you can wait for me down at the bottom of all of this.

According to leading Anitumblr and Anitwitter research, the varying amounts of gayness in anime can be reliably quantified into four subcategories of one category of two: One being “That Gay Shit”, which includes titles such as Hibike Euphonium, Yuri on Ice, and Flip Flappers, and the other being “This Shit’s About As Straight As I Am, Broseph, Trust Me On This I’m Not Gay Okay Brochacho”, which would be the stuff like Drifters and Keijo. Such gayness then can be quantified into its four subcategories based on how many tweets and notes its gets based on how much the fan base has been killed over said gayness, how much control is lost when attempting to use the shift key for coherent speech, the amount of retweets of fan art concerning your favorite ship, and the average amount of declarations per day you have about how much you can’t get over the most recent development of your ship.

Our reports suggest that these indicators of gay anime taste are at a level that is much lower than what is expected of the general public. Meaning, your taste does not meet our gayness standards and as such you are at risk of losing your credibility as an anime critic. While we recognize that the Gayness Standard is a new and upcoming metric for credibility in anime criticism, and that fans in the current age will adapt to this change slower than others, it still must be emphasized that the transition should be speedy and efficient.

To that end, we suggest that you choose at least one of our three special programs to acclimate you into the environment of our new gay anime overlords, as shown in this pamphlet right here. I personally would suggest going to the “Ethics of Queerbaiting” and “Anger-Over-Ships Management” seminars to really get the full experience of what it’s like to be on Twitter or Tumblr when That Gay Shit hits the front page of your local streaming service and everyone seems to like it so much because it’s gay and shit as if nothing else mattered in a story except whether or not your ship is made to sail. Try not to concern yourself with valid criticism and just have fun and be gay.

But, like, make sure you let everyone know that you’re not always for that gay shit, or, like, actually gay. And that you’ll completely renounce your emotional investment if you find out that you got queerbaited by a Japanese cartoon that definitely shares the same social standards that you and the rest of Twitter and Tumblr does.

Oh, and don’t forget: if you register within the year of 2016 you’ll get a free semester’s worth of ukelele lessons.

We at FAPS wish you a safe and wonderfully gay day on social media! You’ll be sorry if you don’t! Oh, boy, you’ll be fucking sorry if you don’t.

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