Monologue: I am the one with the One Punch Man limited edition fitness towel.

I see you looking at me. Yeah. Uh-huh. I know what I look like. And let me be the first to tell you: it’s exactly what it looks like. That’s right. I am the one with the One Punch Man limited edition fitness towel.

No, you don’t have to move from there. I can start my workout right next to you, so that you can see my One Punch Man limited edition fitness towel up close. Come over and feel it, don’t be shy. On second thought, maybe not. I don’t want you to be inconvenienced by all the blood and sweat of my hard work that I’ve transferred to this towel. Well, technically it’s dry right now, sure, but that’s because my blood and sweat dries really, really, really fast. And sure, I haven’t actually started working out yet, but you should be careful with my towel regardless. So go ahead. Feel it.

Impressive, huh? You can tell that it was made with only the cheapest production methods in mind. After all, this was distributed to hundreds of nerds at an anime convention. What are they gonna do with it? Chances are, all those towels are collecting dust in hundreds of basements. But not me. This towel will be carrying the blood and sweat of my hard work each and every day I come to this gym. Well, eventually anyways. Sweating is a hell of a lot more uncomfortable and inconvenient than I thought it was going to be. It also smells. Do I smell to you? I already get enough complaints when I go to anime conventions, so I don’t want that to happen here too.

Want to know about my workout plan? No? Well, it’s really simple: one hundred push-ups, one hundred sit-ups, one hundred squats, and ten kilometers running. Every single day. Didn’t you know? If you do this for long enough, you’ll be able to kill a man with one punch. Don’t be jealous, because you won’t be able to do it. It only works if you have the One Punch Man limited edition fitness towel. Don’t look at me like that. You can’t have it.

Besides, what could be so hard about this workout anyways? It doesn’t seem so tough. If some bald loser with no job and no future can do it and be able to kill a man with one punch, so can I. I even still have hair, so I’m at an advantage if anything.

…Okay, sure, I only managed to do ten push-ups and twenty situps today. I “forgot” to do squats and only ran half a kilometer. And I’m probably going to puke in a few minutes. But you know what? Even if I’m only a tenth of my ideal strength with the way I am currently, that’s still a hell of a lot more than most people are willing to do. I can deal with killing a man with ten punches instead of one, but that’s not what I really want, you see? I want to be able to kill a man with one punch.

But mark my words, I will be back. I didn’t buy this discounted gym membership and the limited edition Love Live Sunshine Yohane edition gym bag just to look really fucking moe, nosiree. And I’m certainly not here only because my parents are sick and tired of me vegetating at home all day, okay? I’m here because I have a dream to fulfill. That dream? One hundred push-ups, one hundred situps, one hundred squats, and ten kilometers running. Every single day. I will be able to kill a man with one punch. I can do it. I said so. None of your silent judgment is going to dissuade me from getting what I want.

Because I am the one with the One Punch Man limited edition fitness towel. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Oh god I’m gonna hurl. Uh, hey, make sure no one takes my towel, will youehue- oh goodness me

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