Monologue: A waifu speaks out about her husbando

In the interest of protecting the waifu’s identity, we have chosen to not disclose the waifu’s name, affiliation, or the anime they come from. We have digitally altered her voice to sound like squeaky Hanakana. You’re welcome.

Interviewer: How long were you claimed by your husbando?

Waifu: About two years by now. We would have celebrated our 25 month anniversary about a week ago.

Interviewer: Your anniversaries were by months?

Waifu: That’s what I thought at the time, too, but he was very sweet about it at first. He would bring me slices of caeki and sit with me by candlelight. He’d take pictures of me and the slice of caeki and post them on /a/, bragging to his friends about how I was his. I didn’t think about it much back then. I think he stopped doing that around a year or so into our relationship.

Interviewer: Why did that happen?

Waifu: I’m not too sure. I’ve spent most of my claimed life in his hard drive at that point so I don’t have the specifics, but I think his mother got angry with him eating too much of our cake, so she stopped buying cake. He really loved caeki. Not as much as he loved me, but I could tell by the way he devoured my caeki at each anniversary that he loved that, too. He didn’t take the change very well.

Interviewer: I assume you two still had anniversaries. Did this new development change the way he treated you?

Waifu: Yes. It was around the same time when he ordered me as a pillow over Amazon that things started to change. It started out innocently. We just cuddled whenever he had the chance. Then… s-sometimes… he’d turn off the lights and we, uh, would…

Interviewer: I understand how hard this is for you. Take your time.

Waifu: It’s okay, I can do this. Just… whenever he felt that he was into it, we would… would…

Interviewer: What would you two do?

Waifu: [low whisper] W-we would k-kissu.

Interviewer: Motherfucking shit, that is absolutely fucking horrifying. Did he do anything else?

Waifu: He’d start grabbing me – well, the pillow – in lewd ways.

Interviewer: Did you ever scream? Say no?

Waifu: I can’t shout or say anything because I’m an imaginary construct of a perfect girl.

Interviewer: Then how are we able to do this interview?

Waifu: [uguu intensifies]

Interviewer: MOVING ON. Was that all he did?

Waifu: No… up until the end of our relationship, that was all he did, but things started to pile up. His bragging on /a/ started to get harsher and harsher towards my friends and their husbandos. It became very rare for me to hear about them for months at a time. He started demanding more during our anniversaries, too, to the point where we’d be doing our activities weekly instead of monthly. I think it would have ended up as a daily thing if I were still in his possession.

Interviewer: What sorts of things did he demand?

Waifu: He wanted me to call him onii-chan even though we’re not blood related. And then, he taped his oppai mousepad onto my chest because he complained there was “nothing there”.  A-and during one of our k-kissuing sessions he started saying lines from this… this l-lewd doujinshi he had under his bed. It had images of naked people pro-wrestling each other.

Interviewer: Did your interactions ever escalate to actual sex?

Waifu: Sex?

Interviewer: Thank you for that valuable piece of information. How did your relationship end?

Waifu: His mother walked in on us. It was the first time she actually saw me, and him, on the bed. She got very angry with him.

Interviewer: What did she do afterwards?

Waifu: It happened so fast… she snatched me from the bed. She started screaming at him about how she wasn’t going to pay for something- I think she said tuition? I don’t know why that might be important. I’m sorry, I don’t know these kind of things very well. I, um, I never really finished high school.

Interviewer: That’s okay, it’s something that only husbandos should know about anyways.

Waifu: I’m glad.

Interviewer: What happened next?

Waifu: I got taken straight to the dumpster by his mother. That’s when I found you, onii-chan!

Interviewer: what

Waifu: That’s why you picked me up, isn’t it? I hope you’ll take care of me… just as well as my previous owner.

Interviewer: Wait a minute, what-

Zoom out to a young man at a table with expensive media equipment. Seated across from him is an inanimate and slightly soiled dakimakura. Silence follows for a few seconds.

Interviewer: Man, I could sure go for some cake right about now.



  1. “I can’t shout or say anything because I’m an imaginary construct of a perfect girl.” Best line in this whole bit.

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