Monologue: I’m the Male Best Friend, motherfucker.

I’m talking to you. Yeah, you over there, Protagonist-san. Mister main character.

You’re an asshole.

Oh shit, I wasn’t supposed to say that, was I? Not going to support your “nice guy” image with a well-timed fuckup, am I? Newsflash for you, asswipe: today is not your fucking day. Not for you, and not for your 13-episode life fucking story. And that’s for today, to fucking morrow, and for fucking ever. I’ve had it up to here. Do you even stop to think how hard it is for me to be your Male Best Friend? I work very long hours being your moral punching bag and ain’t easy, dude. Half the time I’m not even sure you understand what I go through.

You see that girl with her foot on my face? You see the angle which I position myself so you can take a peek at her periwinkle-striped panties? Do you even appreciate how that ended up raising more flags in your favor when she punishes me for your lecherous deed? How about that demure chick standing a few feet away from us? I specifically planned for her to be there. Look. Her fists are clenched so tight against her chest because she’s found a motherfucking rival. Did I mention how cute as fuck she is? You see that fucking face? She’s practically begging you to hit her in the sack. That shit only happens when I’m around for the tactical takedown.

You know what that’s called in this line of business? Taking one for the team, that’s what. I’m practically handing you all these flags, dude. I’m risking my high school life out there fighting for them. You eat up all these girls’ affections only because I exist to limit their options. I am the only person keeping your high school life alive. Who do you think suffers the PTSD from all the girl abuse I take for you?

Sometimes I don’t even have to target one of your haremettes to make you look better. I have my dreams and aspirations too, you know. But every fucking time I try to chase my own girl, you just have to be a cunt and present yourself. Don’t you realize I have no fucking choice but to fail when you’re around? Learn to read the mood, jackass. But obviously this doesn’t concern you. Nothing about me ever fucking concerns you.

Honestly, I would have been fine with just that. Really. No, really. Doormatting for people like you has been passed down the Male Best Friend family for generations, and I wanted to take what little pride was left in this godforsaken practice. But now I realize you don’t even respect what I do. You’re not a single bit thankful for my efforts. Some shithead friend you are. I don’t even gain anything out of this. Main Girl and co. fawn over you at my expense. You know what I get out of this? Jack fucking shit, that’s what. Where’s my chance at a pointless panty shot landing me some love points, huh? When will my rising hospital bills eventually land me the Perfect Waifu of my Dreams? I’ll tell you when: never. Never is the correct answer to this question. Now give me one of your waifus for guessing correctly. No? Well, fuck you too.

To top off your quasi-philandering bullshit, it takes you the entire anime series to make up your fucking mind on who you choose to be part of your Perfect Coupleu. Sometimes there isn’t even an answer. Wow. I mean, fuck. After all I’ve worked hard for this entire season just to set you up for the best choice your high school life will ever encounter, too. You could maintain your own solar system with the amount of density your brain holds. But you know what that means for me, the guy who willingly revolved around your bullshit this entire time? The guy who kept looking out for you even when you chose not to reciprocate? Hell, you know what I would have done if I were in your shoes?

I think this relationship we have between us just isn’t going to cut it anymore.

So fuck your friendship and fuck your harem bullshit. And you know what? By the time you’re done figuring out what you want to be in life and what girl you choose, I’m gone. I’ll be out in the world with my wits and charm, seizing glorious opportunities while you’re stuck seizing a harem you can’t maintain by yourself. My high school life may have gone to shit because of you, but I’m sure as hell going to make a name for myself when all this is over. I’ll be carving out legacies in Brazil while you’re busy taking selfies at friendless drinking parties. It’s gonna be the high life for me from this point on.

Smell ya later. I’ll be taking Best Girl out on a d-deito now.

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8 comments

    1. you accidentally words

      1. Typed things in response.

  1. Well fuck you too! And wait, what was your name again? I swear I’ve seen you around somewhere before…

    – MC-kun

    1. Hidoi, MC-kun! You don’t even remember me? I’m Male Best Friend, the guy who sits right next to you. I hope we can be good friends this year!

      Also get some fucking glasses, asshole.

  2. Ever heard this song from the new Muppet movie? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qWpEMbD9yi4

    Have MC-kun be the accented frog, Male Best Friend be Ricky Gervais, change the lyrics a little, and you’ve got a jaunty tune for the situation described here.

    1. Well, now I have!

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